Have you ever felt that heavy feeling on your chest, as if someone just punched the hell out of you and you can’t breathe? How about the feeling wherein you’re nauseous and you somehow can’t control all the fleeting words, imaginations, and all those shitty stuff goin inside your head to the point that you wanna scream out loud and pull your hair out? The lethargic feeling you get every time you wake up in the morning despite having more than 8 hours of sleep or sometimes having no sleep at all. How about moments wherein you feel so worthless like you don’t wanna go to school nor wanna see your friends because you feel ugly, useless, and a total burden, which makes you view yourself as someone who doesn’t deserve to be in this world so you rationalize that killing yourself is the best thing to do… who’d give a shit anyway? NO ONE.
Once you’ve grabbed the knife your mind suddenly shifts and plays with you… You start to tremble and drop the knife you were holding because your mind tells you that killing yourself would only bring tears and melancholy to your family and friends. You also worry bout school, your grades, your job, your unfulfilled goals and dreams in life. You worry about EVERY SINGLE THING that you start feeling the bile rise up to your gut, making its way to your throat which makes you choke, your hands and feet start to feel numb, and again you struggle with the lack of air, also thinking that your soul is about to leave your body… And that’s when you know your anxiety kicks in.
Anxiety and Depression isn’t something that would just go away. It’s there inside you, slowly killing you mentally, emotionally, and physically. It eats up your soul, tearing your flesh piece by piece. Depression makes you feel like there’s this blackhole inside of you sucking every little cell, making you drown into its depths and making you give up on the idea of surviving because you believe that there’s no way out. Anxiety, on the other hand, makes you wanna throw up… throw up the taste of blood and every thing you probably ate that day because of the continuous angst and helplessness.
God the struggle of experiencing 2 different poles: not giving a shit and giving a shit.
Having both anxiety and depression isn’t easy. It makes you lose your focus and concentration. It makes you exhausted every day. It makes you not… YOU. You may actually think that it’s the end of the world. However…
My dear reader, if you are experiencing the same feeling or know someone who is experiencing anxiety and depression, always remember that the feeling of deep sadness, worthlessness and endless worrying is nothing to be ashamed of. It is ALWAYS OK to ask for help… It may be difficult but once you’ve accepted and overcome this difficulty, you are one step closer to becoming YOU again. Reaching out for help, opening up, and receiving love from family, friends, and people who are really close to you can actually help shift the hopelessness to hope and faith. Asking for help won’t make you a freak… It actually means that you’re a WARRIOR… a warrior who is not afraid to face anything. A warrior who would conquer the blackholes and endless bloody battles inside of you.
In my own personal journey, it took years before I opened my heart out. I was ashamed and scared of how people will react to what I was feeling. It took one crucial breakdown for me to open up to my parents. I am forever grateful, that my parents never left my side. They supported me by bringing me to a psychiatrist and through prayers, physical exercise, writing, opening up to people close to me, and meditating, I have slowly accepted my situation. Each day I allow myself to change for the better. I found ways on how to divert the negative thoughts in my head. I held on every strand of hope there is, which helped me keep myself alive. Yes until now i’m still struggling but one thing’s for certain… I’m gonna win this war!
There’s no magic wand, magic pill, nor magic switch to treat depression. Not all methods are the same, meaning some may not be as effective as others. However, I’m pretty sure about one thing… if you are suffering or aching because of depression… always remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Allow yourself to receive help from the people who love you because YOU MATTER and YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. It is POSSIBLE to get through what you’re experiencing. It may take some time but soon every dark cloud above your head would disappear and the sun would finally shine.
***IF YOU NEED HELP OR KNOW SOMEONE WHO NEEDS HELP, CALL The HOPELINE Project’s hotlines (02) 804-HOPE (4673), 0917 558 HOPE (4673) and 2919 (toll-free number for all Globe and TM subscribers). – Rappler